"Vacation, Meant to be Spent Alone"

I live in a world in which I have won a different kind of lottery. The prize is the opportunity to drive a truck. Attached to this truck is a huge, built-to-destroy iron ball. Together, the truck and ball form a wrecker. In this world, it is sheer luck that decides who gets to drive such trucks.

Once inside the proverbial truck, I am compelled to drive toward the great wall that is my life. Upon arriving, there’s no question whether I will aim that big ball at the erect wall that is my life. I immediately slam the wrecker ball into my life, sending debris into every direction. Now, I’m left with a pile of ash and cracked rocks. I’m faced with the decision to mourn the aftermath, to build a memorial, or to rebuild all. Any combination of the three is, of course, possible. At this point, however, I’m treading carefully.

It's official; I am uncomfortably close to rock bottom. I’ve considered cashing in and cutting my losses. My trip to Austin has shown me just how capable I am of sabotaging my whole life. As fabulous as it was to come home, I have disappointed myself daily since arriving. Many of the things I’ve done are just not appropriate here on the brog.

When I moved to the NYC, I felt as if time were suspended. I expected that nothing had changed after six months. The problem is that I was totally right. I had changed, and reconciling who I am there and who I was in Austin is so difficult. I left Austin as a single guy with an array of men at my phone-gertips. In New York, however, I am a coupled graduate student with a sex life to match. What was I thinking?

The guilt that yields from the overindulging alcoholic-filled nights with old friends was more than enough for me to handle. I am now even guiltier. Ex-men and potential bad dates abound in the Austin. I can see in which ways I am to blame; but, come on. Why are they everywhere? Better yet, why was I everywhere?

Part of it is also just the fucking universe. Bad timing and krazy karma are to blame. My car broke down in the middle of nowhere while Daniel, his visiting friend, and I were en route to my sister’s birthday party. What the fuck?!? The people have been great. The memories have all returned. But, everything else has been horrible! The wise superfriend Dominique makes a good point: In order to guarantee that I return to New York, my trip to Austin will have to be too much to handle. It looks like she was right. I surrender.