Seething Smoke Signals

Busy, busy, like a bee. That's how it's been lately. Sure, with a girlfriend in town, a new job, and a fresh semester before me, I've had to develop a routine. To be honest, the busyness preceded the above. I realized, after minutes of meditation and two semi-finished voodoo dolls, that the routine is actually a result of my current relationship.

Ten months and one guy later, I've fallen into a routine of the usual albeit comforting sort. I thought that the sign of a good relationship was a mutual comfort. Until recently, I was convinced of this. Lately, however, it's become a comfort that I've known in previous relationships. Isn't that a not-so-good sign? Is it a sign that we're spending too much time together? Is it a good sign that we fight like family? At an intersection with too many signs, how do you know which way to go?

"Isn't this all couples?" I thought. "Isn't it?" We fight constantly and over the dumbest things. Some fighting's okay; I know. But, how much is too much? The relationship's mood, like everything else in the world, has become polarized. When it's good, it's great. When it's bad, it's just too much. This is love, right? Or, is this love wasted on the youth?

There comes a time when a serious relationship becomes an extension of oneself. Like an extra arm or mouth, if you will. When one can criticize her Picasso of a relationship, one can criticize herself. The chronic fighting, then, could be a sign that we are, at some moments, not completely satisfying ourselves. (It's like saying, "I'm too fat," or "Why can't I keep my hair from being so flat?") It's normal to want more for oneself and to push harder. It's hard to remember that resulting "self-criticism" may translate into criticizing each other.

The recent routine has kept me in a place where I can "ensure" my happiness. With the variety of pills, shoes, and ice cream ripe in American culture, I forget that there may be more to life (and to a relationship) than being in a good mood. I often forget that "happy" is but one emotion. What in life (save a bed, a cocktail, and a massage) will always satisfy us? Is it fair to expect satisfaction from people all the time?

Under the influence of Chavela Vargas and cold ketchup on hot French fries, I had the most minor of epiphanies. Happiness, like food, should be plentiful and choice, but not overdone. In a real relationship, with real people in realistic settings, love is the virtue that should be unwavering. That is something they should put on a sign.