Learning a Language

They need to come up with a new phrase. The term “feeling like shit” just isn’t covering it anymore. The worst isn’t even the head pains and the nausea. I am so sick from last night’s drinking that I’m hardly holding on to orientation. Ugh. Uchk. Hooo.

While the world works toward new idioms for pain, I am experiencing something new. I am finally facing up to something that is hardly new. I have come to confront the life choices that I have largely put off for months. Much of the stress yields from not making decisions in a process that would take me out of my current comfortable place. Choosing is the best thing I’ve done for weeks.

I am leaving the MA program at JTS in search of something more stable. The school has jeopardized my financial and academic stability for far too long. Staying would be stupid. What do they say? “Fool me once, shame on you …” Now, I know. Now, I am responsible for ensuring my happiness.

There was, of course, no arriving at this place without having talked out my options with a few close friends and, finally, my family. Leaving school means many things. As a result, I am searching for a new, affordable apartment since student housing is no longer an option. I’ll actually have to work in order to live. I’ve never really done that, despite my rather impressive résumé.

I’m so scared. Most of my support, I feel, resides in Austin. Until a few weeks ago, I thought that Daniel was a sole “supporter” of mine in the New York. In light of everything, it’s clear that he’s ... something else. It’s a miracle that we’ve hung on to the relationship as long as we have. Really, it’s a miracle that I’ve hung on to my sanity.

“Transitioning,” as I am so therapeutically calling it, puts lots into perspective. I’m repairing my life. Ultimately, “the change” is empowering. The present might still suck, but I have a hope that I’m doing the right thing for the future. At the very least, I’m learning the language of self-help. “The fog is fading; I’m breaking in those shoes.” Really, when it comes down to it, there are things far more painful than this fucking hangover.