Down, Down, and Away

Sneezing can lead to confusion. Sneezing is always indicative of something's in the air: an impending cold or flu, stray animal dander, or too much cologne from your roommate's alpha male buddies. At times, it's hard to distinguish just what exactly is close enough to irritate the senses. Putting one's finger on the problem eventually becomes part of the irritation.

Having managed recently to avoid shedding cats and prowling men, I'm sure that something else is up with me. I've been in hiding, sort of. My time away from nights free of teeth-grinding, from grin-inducing satisfaction, from writing is a symptom of some larger loveliness in life.

Let's face it; not knowing where you will live in one month's time is stressful. Term papers are daunting; the holidays precipitate nostalgia and a sense of emotional dependency on the past and those not present. Relationships can be taxing beyond all one's resources.

I've developed a new showering habit, between shampooing and conditioning, which involves creative ways of eliminating all my problems in one quick coup . One such scenario involves a lovesick real estate agent with a disposition to write papers about women and religion who vacations in a place where there are no winter holidays.

After I'm all rinsed off, the confusion persists in casting me aloof. Frankly, I've been in this place for way too long. The power of the mind is powerful, creating safe spaces that are otherwise unreal. Such things shouldn't occur in the New York City. In spite of the fun times, there is much about which to worry. Still, I try to stay away.

Only recently, I have realized that I will be out of school for the first time ever. I wish that I could say that I was savoring these final days at JTS. Mindful that I'll miss academic work, I won't miss my experience at the Seminary. The real world frightens me only because I wish that I were better prepared. I want to know what lies ahead. In the end, I might be able to compete, but I'd rather not have to improvise.

Who to do? My rapidly approaching place in the real world is the source of my distance from so much. But, I'm trying to come back. I'm putting myself out there; I'm trying to be open to new experiences. But, even now, when I sneeze, I'm carefully pensive. I sniffle, I look out, and I reach for a tissue from my secret hiding place.