The Emperor's New Meat

Faking is sooo overrated! I used to be an ardent follower of St. Fake. I have faked everything: hair, age, sexual orientation, relationships, etc. No more! I have done it for the last time! On Memorial Day, a group of us went down to Chinatown (smelly!) to dine at the ONE vegetarian, kosher Chinese restaurant in Manhattan. En route, my mouth was flooding with anticipation. I felt like it was designed especially for me!

As we approached Buddha Bodai, I felt the need to genuflect. From afar, it was awe-inspiring. The coming together of observant Jews and devout Buddhists over food impressed me. Our respective religious garb gave us grubbers away. It’s no secret that we Chosen Ones have overwhelmingly chosen Chinese among our favorite foods. And, the Asian manager/waiter/cashier spoke some Hebrew to us.

Perhaps my expectations were too high. Like most kosher nosheries, the service was slow and difficult. I will concede that they was some variety goin’ on wif their menu. Once the food finally arrived, however, I couldn’t have become more nauseous. The fake chicken was too much! All of the fake meat was unlike anything I had ever eaten since middle school. I was simultaneously impressed and sick.

There’s a reason why I’m a vegetarian. The other meat substitutes have a flavor all their own. But, none of it really tastes like meat! It’s clear now: I have become accustomed to the real fake thing. I know; I know.

Perhaps, I became woozy at the sight of the fake duck, the phony shrimp, and the imposter lobster that my friends ordered. Lately, Chinese food and I have had some issues. What about the food poisoning that I got at Eden Wok on West 72nd?!? I can’t fake it anymore: I used to love it. Now, like Daniel, this Eastern cuisine has irritated my Western sensibilities and weak stomach. It’s tragic; I know. Chinese hasn’t always been the steadfast friend that I once thought it was. Honestly, after all these years, when has Mexican ever done me wrong?