Here Come the Brides ...

The summer blues have hit. No, it’s not my usual heat rash (I’m very sensitive). The Nine Days begin tonight. For carnivores, meat is prohibited. For lovers of life, wine isn’t consumed! And, when this is all over, it’s weddings galore. I have three friends marrying in the week after Tisha b’Av, and they’s three more by autumn. I’m attending two weddings in three days. Happily ever after, my ass!

Love is all fine and wonderful until someone burns himself ironing hastily in a sad attempt to save money skipping out on the exorbitant, and often unreliable, NYC dry cleaners. I still have scars from Passover! These couples really make you work for your champagne.

And, when is the food actually as good as it sounds? Even my vegetarian friend is serving meat at her simcha! Of course, I’ll be able to have the ever-envied “vegetarian option.” Option? They make it sound like stubbornly choosing an abortion because she refuses to have a third while her husband is allowed a middle-life crisis convertible.

It’s a good thing that my friends know how cheap I am. It makes gift buying so much easier. These gift registries are amazing. The couple makes a list, and we pick up an item of our and their choice. With all the planning involved, this idea is a relief for everyone. If all were this easy, maybe more of us would be skipping to the chapel. Then again, ...

Honestly, I’m happy for my betrothed friends. Dating is tough, and good sex is overrated. Settling down is wise, like buying a house: it’s all about the equity. What we put into another person for fifteen, twenty, or thirty years (the lifespan of most mortgages) is priceless. It’s worth the pant loads of lace and a walk down the aisle in an original Cristóbal Balenciaga and Fendi heels.

My only advice to the couples is to remember “spice.” No one likes a bland risotto and dry potatoes. And, who ever died from bread baked the same day as the ceremony? I implore you; have someone you trust sample the food before it’s served. A tasty wedding makes for a happy marriage. You can quote me on that.