Racing to Stay

Caveat: This won’t be well written. I apologize for the lapse in literature that you’ll experience if you read this.

It’s been a week of surreal survival. I can’t believe what has happened. Sadly, I’m as clueless as anyone else about my own life. Control would be comforting. Foresight would be fabulous.

I know. I should leave him. To some extent, I have left. We are no longer what we were. The place of comfort that we once occupied is no more. Daniel has changed everything. In spite of all my efforts to ignore this humiliating mess, I cannot. It seems that our only option is to separate. It seems to be what he wants; I deserve to free of this.

Who am I, however, to take the obvious way out? Thinking back to all the others, when did I ever just take off? Walking away from a year of us seems too easy. He fucked up. Clearly, I’m not perfect. Who am I, then, not to listen to him and not to forgive him ultimately? While I find the task impossible from here, but I can’t know that until I try.

Here. It’s a pathetic place. This couldn’t have happened at a more inconvenient time. The bureaucracy at JTS is such that I don’t know if I can afford to stay. Rent is exorbitant, especially when the stipend hasn’t come in by late October. The program itself was grossly misrepresented. After a year of giving this all a try, I am tempted to move on.

Close friends and family are ideal for times like this. Daniel was my only family here. When I needed him most, he changed everything. I fight the impulse daily to run home to Texas and begin again.

It’s hard to stick around where you feel that you’re not wanted.