Spilling Salt on the Wound

No one likes to be dismissed. I often stare at the dates on documents. I don't want them to be taken for granted. Oddly, I have long battled with this urge to buy into stupid superstitions. It's something of which I am hardly proud. In this case, I'm afraid that, if I don't pay enough attention to a particular date, something horrible will happen on that day to really make it memorable. Freakish, huh?

I have realized that this practice came out of an anxiety in high school. I needed badly to notice any kind of pattern in the perceived calamities of my adolescence. I hoped to establish a system to the seeming randomness of tragedies, mostly involving the guys and classes in which I was heavily invested. If I could foresee shit on the path, then I could step over it, saving countless pairs of shoes and carpets.

While I know that superstition is just a bunch of bologna, I can't help but struggle for some type of control over the drama that has long since worn out its welcome. Even now, I begin days hoping to be as fabulous as ever while mindful that this could be the day on which … something bad happens. Sick, huh?

This is one of those days. In a turn from bad to worse, before bed last night, Daniel divulged that he was still speaking to that guy. He assured me that it's all casual, that it means nothing.

Did I miss something here? I figured that, since our whole worlds have come crashing down, that he would be living a bit differently. Is it too much to expect that he drop the guy he was trying to get with as swiftly as they met? Daniel seemed to think so.

Monday would have been a year for us. It wasn't though. Again, "us" was over only days before. It felt like nothing; I was numb. At best, we're starting over. What we have will now have to be radically redefined. This is, of course, the case, provided that we will speak again soon. I kicked him out onto the New York City streets at 2AM. I often forget that he has an apartment of his own.

Why can't I take a hint? Why won't I give up on something so unhealthy? I had developed a superstitious pattern with men long before Daniel. If I expected the worst, then men usually delivered. So, I have usually taken men with pillars of salt. Taking men seriously is what they want. It's part of the thrill. After a year with Daniel, however, things were different. I trusted him like I trusted family.

In the timeless words of Julia Roberts as Vivian Ward on Rodeo Drive, "Big mistake. Huge."