A Fear of Flying

I fear so much in New York. I’m afraid of not having enough money. I've developed a terror for the oh-so useful subway system. I loathe the ubiquitous presence of rats. Random acts of violence fuck wif my head. But, leaving the City for family and friends in Austin should not frighten me. Today, it does. Why? As I prepare for a weeklong visit home, I am terrified.

Perhaps it’s my very rational fear of flying. (Come on; thousands of years of evolution just scream: don’t let someone hurl your fragile body through the atmosphere sheltered only by a wanna-be metalic bird with only the hope of a safe place to land.) Maybe it’s missing Daniel. It could also be the fear of change that shakes every Republican to the core. But, these are all temporary. This is what I want. Once again, I ask,"What is up wif me?"

Increasingly, I feel that I am living in two worlds. Life in Austin is so familiar. The smells and sights are comforting. My people are there. There's music, my sister, smog-free skies, and cheap drinks. New York City, on the other hand, is where I live. I have here work, school, new friends, Daniel, a Jewish community unlike Austin’s. I have a purpose in New York. In Austin, I feel superfluous, unnecessary. When I was there last, it seemed to me as though everyone thought that I didn’t belong.

Grrr. This is so hard. I feel like I'm missing so much when I’m not here for Shabbat or those few free hours on weekdays when I goof off with my queen bee, Debs. I’ll miss running into people I know in the tiny community that is the Upper West Side. What will I do when I can’t watch Sex & the City in the City with my new Jew Crew in the late of the night?

I want dual citizenship. I’m not sure if it’s allowed, but I’ll write that nasty letter to whomever I must to remain a person of both worlds. I want two addresses. I have two families. Austin has always been my home. I’m not ready to feel as though home is no longer home. Let’s be honest: I’m just too young.