Shifting Stations

My afternoons of lethargy have been filled with the sounds of NPR. After a few months of being in New York, I haven’t been able to get used to listening to WNYC, the public radio affiliate here. Thank goodness for fabulously fast Internet connections! Lately, I’ve used my laptop to access KUT, Austin’s familiar NPR affiliate. It’s more convenient and less consumed with tragic NYC news.

The truth is that listening to Texas radio makes me feel at home. I hear Austin’s weather, local events, and even the time and temperature. It can be deceiving, but it also provides a warm feeling. I feel as though I’m transported back to those warm afternoons in my room, hiding from the heat. What can I say? Some things are just hard to shake.

Other things, like exes, just keep reappearing. One in specific, Robby, has been calling more and more. I’m at a loss. Is it appropriate? I feel guilty. I feel guilty because we have such a history. I guess there’s little threat of anything substantial happening. He’s not Jewish. He’s still dating women. Most importantly, he’s in another time zone. So why is he still calling?

How do you make friends with someone that you’ve slept with for over almost five years? I’m assuming that he wants to make friends. I’m afraid of our history. I’m unsure about our awkward present. He was hardly this interested when we were fucking. Why now? Oh, right, I forgot. A boyfriend is all I need to have other men interested in me. Go figure.

Robby isn’t a radio station. I can’t just flip back and forth between stations. The problem is that, like Internet radio, Robby is everywhere. There’s no way around it. Change is hard. I’m not looking forward to redefining what we are. I must, however, accept that relevance shifts. As I assess relationships from the East Coast, I have realized: Robby’s just one more thing to be reconsidered.